I used to sleep. In the before time, in the long, long ago.
This was before my home on Mill Street was broken into while my husband, myself and my son were all sleeping inside. The house was, shall we say…ghetto adjacent…but I had never felt unsafe there. Until the break in.
Four years and still I’m not sleeping.
I thought about going to the doctor to get some Ambien until I read that it might make me drive around in my sleep or undertake other “dangerous activities”. You can also get amnesia and have hallucinations. While the hallucinations sound pretty fun, I can’t afford the gas money to just go driving around all willy nilly in the middle of the night.
So, I decided to just start taking Tylenol PM every night. Brilliant! I have to say that it worked pretty damn good too, until the man reminded me that it’s probably not very good for my stomach, thereby giving me something else to worry about while I was supposed to be sleeping.
I switched to Unisom and have since then been having the most FUCKED UP dreams you can imagine.
I am no stranger to weird dreams. My dreams are typically of the insane mixed with droll humor variety. I once dreamed that I was dancing in a circle of people near the checkout counter at Target. John Goodman was also in the circle.
Why not? It could happen.
I have had other celebrity cameos in my dreams including one fantastic appearance by Oprah. I dreamed that I was in her studio after hours and I noticed someone trying to break in through the ceiling tiles. I imagined that this person was there to do great harm so I started looking around for someone to tell. I saw an elevator but there were no buttons to use.
Suddenly Oprah appeared and I told her about the guy that was about to come through the ceiling tiles to meaninglessly slaughter everyone. She told me that we had better get out of there and walked over to the elevator. I told her I had tried that, but that it didn’t work. She then smiled at me and said, “Op-rah”. The elevator opened and all were saved.
Those were fun dreams. Strange, but fun.
The Unisom dreams were just FUCKED UP.
The past two nights I have been visited by not one, but TWO ex-boyfriends. I also witnessed a cult in the woods where a man was amputating his own foot.
WTF, Unisom?! WTF?
I just got back from Walgreens where I purchased another bottle of Tylenol PM.
Fuck you, Unisom. Tonight, I dream of going for a spa day with Daniel Tosh.
Sweet dreams,
PS. I do realize that it’s been a year since I posted here. Let’s just say that I’m back on the Lexapro and move on.
