I have long been a supporter of local bands in this area, even enough to have visited The Blue Monkey and its date rape bathroom on many, many occasions. The local music and arts scene in Monroe is one of the best things that this town has going for it. I think our music and art is so great because all of us have grown up in such a repressive town full of lameness that our creativity can’t help but come bursting out.

Makes sense to me, at least.

In the last few days, there has been a large and public war between several local musicians and Coda Bar and Grill. There has even been a Musicians Against Coda facebook page set up, that already, after only a couple of days, has over 160 fans.

The general complaint is that many of the bands who have played at Coda feel as though they have been cheated on the money that was taken at the door.

I, personally, can only attest to one incident of this happening, since I don’t generally go to Coda to hear bands. The case that I am referring to is Rhoda Brown’s birthday party when The Downtown Wigs (awesome band!) played. I saw for myself how many people came in the door that night and I actually sat for a while and watched the guy who was “taking the money at the door.”

My friends from out of town were there to see Rhoda. They had never even been to Coda before, but since we were sitting near the door, they kept their eye on “door money” guy as well. If I remember correctly, the statement from my friend Jesse was, “Why does he keep leaving his post? Oh, maybe he keeps going to the bathroom for some blow.”

This guy did not stay at the door. People were streaming in constantly and the place was packed. It wasn’t until several days later that I heard about The Downtown Wigs getting completely kind of screwed on the money situation. Which really sucks because A: they are awesome and B: they were only playing because it was Rhoda’s birthday.

Since this is my one and only personal account on this argument, I tend to think that these musicians against Coda might have a point. When you’ve been playing gigs for a while, you can take a look at the crowd and make a pretty good guess at what the take will be that night. When you see a packed house and you get paid for about 17 people, something’s fishy.

On a purely personal note, I’ve been watching the discussions on the Facebook page and whoever was posting in the name of Coda was getting pretty nasty. From a PR standpoint, getting nasty with your customers in a public venue that can be CTRL + PRTSC’ed all over town is a pretty bad fucking move.

Here’s a quote:

HA! DAM! We actually hope every other band as crappy as Revamp does boycott us. You guys should take that 13 dollars you earned and you and your groupies can hit up the waffle house because you can’t afford to eat or drink in our establishment. Maybe you can play there too. And if any other crappy local bands have a …problem with us feel free to comment. That’s why we love facebook too.

I’m not really sure what their problem is with Revamp, but a couple days ago, they were offering free shots to anyone who came into the bar and said “Revamp sucks”. Way to honor the local music scene guys. Super fucking professional.

The admin of the Coda facebook page has made it known that their business plan caters to a certain clientele. This is why they overcharge for their food. ( I do have to say, though, I love their red beans and rice.) The problem with that is, the clientele that they are aiming for is not the ones who keep them in business on the weekend nights when bands are playing and they are drinking.

Hell, I would have saved up for a week if I had had to so that I could go hear The Downtown Wigs play there. It’s not about the money. Anyway, we all know that the hoochies in the short skirts and g-strings who are standing outside the door on Friday and Saturday nights are where the bulk of the money is coming from. I’ve seen many a guy buy an overpriced drink for a hoochie in a short skirt.

The venue is absolutely gorgeous. I love going to The Rising Sun, but the damn door is never open. I was told about 3 months ago that they are doing a revamp (ha!) on the whole she-bang, but I really don’t know what is going on there. Coda is a place that I would be proud to bring my out of town guests. It’s beautiful and the food doesn’t suck too bad as long as you can afford it. The drinks are over priced and I have had some really crappy service there, but the atmosphere makes up for it.

What the oh-so- beautiful atmosphere does not make up for, however, is DOUCHE BAG comments such as the ones left on Facebook (most of which have been deleted, btw). It also does not make up for the non-professionalism of the owner who feels the need to act out on Facebook in such as childish manner.

As of today, the Coda page has made an apology. Somehow, I don’t buy it. I’m not saying I’m never going to eat their red beans and rice again, but I will never go see another band play there. Most of the bands I like don’t play there, anyway. I’ll stick to Enoch’s, thank you very much.  The Jeters have somehow managed to create a place where hippies and hoochis alike can come and drink and enjoy some music. If I went out more, I would probably be all over Tsunami. I have a lot of respect for the local bands who play there and people like Donnie who are doing everything they can to help out local musicians.

As far as you, Coda, you just lost my respect. I truly hope that you get your managerial problems worked out and learn how to act in a professional manner. I love your building, but I hate your fucking attitude.

If you haven’t read the 2010 State of Texas Republican Party Platfrom, then allow me to give you some of the stunning highlights.

We Believe in:

1. Strict adherence to the Declaration of Independence and U.S. and Texas Constitutions. Ok, so far so good. Nothing strange here.

2. Preserving American Freedom and Texas Sovereignty. Again, nothing really out of the ordinary.

3. Limiting the expanse of Government Power. Nothing wrong with limiting government power.

4. The sanctity of human life, created in the image of God, which should be protected from fertilization to natural death. Ok, wait. What?! So, I’m reading this as no abortions. Period. Also, I think they should specify which God they are talking about or this could get this into some trouble later down the road. Should read: God of the King James Bible as to avoid any confusion or lawsuits.

5. Personal Accountability and Responsibility. Good and good. I like both of these.

6. Self-sufficient families, founded on the traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman. Anyone else see anything strange about the phrase “natural man and natural woman”? I’m assuming this means that there should be no marriage between transgender folks. WTF?

7. Having an educated population, with parents having the freedom of choice for the education of their children. Nothing too bad here.

8. Americans having the right to be safe in their homes, on their streets, and in their communities, and the unalienable right to defend themselves. I’m actually OK with this one, too.

9. A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies. Ok, a state has the right to do what it wants with it’s own enterprise. Let them rich bastards keep their money. Fine.

10. Restoring American sovereignty and leadership, and we honor all of those that serve and protect our freedom with peace through strength. Nice and fine.

Now, what does all of this have to do with oral sex, Alice?

Let’s keep reading, shall we?

Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) – We oppose this act through which the federal government would coerce religious business owners and employees to violate their own beliefs and principles by affirming what they consider to be sinful and sexually immoral behavior.

In other words, let’s make it legal to avoid hiring homosexuals. We don’t need no fags working in our places of business.

Neither the United States nor any state shall recognize or grant to any unmarried person the legal rights or status of a spouse. We oppose the recognition of and granting of benefits to people who represent themselves as domestic partners without being legally married.

Wow. Just wow. So not only Texas should ban gay marriage, but the entire United States has to, as well. Also, no domestic partnership rights or benefits of any sort.

Let’s keep reading, shall we?

We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.

That’s horrible.” But Alice,” you say, “you promised me oral sex“. Ok, ok, you’re right. Let’s move on.

We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority
granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.

According to Webster, Sodomy is defined as: anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex; also : copulation with an animal.

Really, Texax? You want to make oral sex illegal and to make it so that the federal government cannot overturn your law? Really? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE SERIOUS.

And there’s this:

We oppose sale and use of the dangerous “Morning After Pill”.

Texas GOP, you should really have done your research before you added that one in. Not that it would really matter. The morning after pill, in case you didn’t know is actually just a high dose of birth control. It IS NOT THE ABORTION PILL. Also, if you are calling the Morning After Pill dangerous, then you are calling the birth control pill dangerous.

DUMBASSES.

Since I am obviously about to throw up at this point, I’ll just add one more quote.

We support reducing the time, bureaucratic interference and cost of adoption. The law should assure mothers of a choice in selecting a traditional home for their children at the time of terminating their rights for adoption. We oppose mandatory open adoption and adoption by homosexuals.

These fuck ups in Texas would rather see a child stay in a foster home or abusive situation than have that child be adopted by loving homosexual parents.

Nice.

That’s only half of the platform. You can read the rest here if you want. I wouldn’t suggest doing it on a full stomach though.

Just shoot me,

A while back, my friend Jane and I were discussing this huge demographic of married American males who are just not getting any poon. Men that have been married for a while and maybe even have a couple of kids. Men who had a normal sex life for the first couple of years of their marriage, but now can’t get laid to save their lives.

We talked about them for a while and realized that they probably had no idea what they were doing wrong. We thought, Wouldn’t it be fun to write a book for them, telling them what they are doing wrong and how to fix it?

So we did.

Presenting: “How to Get Your Wife to Act Like a Porn Star” by Alice and Jane Cash. The book is available on Amazon and we are terribly giddy about it. Our little book is divided into 30 days of lessons such as “Do the fucking dishes” and “The clit instruction guide”.

The best news? We are giving a copy away to one of you guys!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment telling me what you think a book of this sort should include. For extra entries, retweet this post and share it on Facebook. You may also join our Facebook fan page. You can get up to 4 entries per person. Just let me know in the comments section which type of entries you did. The drawing will be held at random.org and will take place on Friday, May 28th, so enter now!

Seriously. We all know someone who desperately needs this book.

Just for Jesus, an evangelical event for students planned for April 22nd, is being advertised as a “platform for students to perform their arts, music and display their talents driven by Christ through a field trip while in school.”

Oh yeah – and an easy excused absence.

In one of the wussiest moves by authority figures ever seen,  the Ouachita Parish and Monroe City School Superintendents have both decided to bow out of making what could be seen as an unpopular decision, and make the school principals responsible for deciding whether or not to allow students to attend the event and receive an excused absence.

“The deal is, it’s a simple matter,” founder James Bertrand said Monday. “It’s voluntary. If you don’t want to be there, keep your mouth closed and go somewhere else.”

Where, Mr. Bertrand? School? I don’t think so. If some students are going to be excused, then all should be.

Can I organize a “Friends of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” rally or a “Buddies for Buddha” rally the same day? Will kids be excused for that, too?

According to your own literature:

“Students have the right to pray, evangelize, read
scripture, distribute literature, and invite fellow students
to participate so long as it is voluntary; it is not
disruptive or coercive and that it occurs during noninstructional time.”

I think that we can all concede that this is, in fact, during instructional time.

Also, this:

“Subject to applicable state laws, students may be able to
attend off-campus religious instruction provided that
schools do not encourage or discourage participation or
penalize those who do not attend.”

This section does not state that the school is allowed to provide excused absences for students who are attending such “off-campus religious instruction.”

And this:

“Subject to applicable state laws, students may be able
to obtain an excuse absence for the observance of
religious holidays.”

As far as I know, April 22nd is not a religious holiday.

Aside from the blatant 1st Amendment issues – realistically speaking – how will this thing be policed? How will school officials know which students are really attending?

In previous Just for Jesus rallies, students were bussed in using state funded school buses.

That’s right. You and I paid for high school kids in Baton Rouge to attend a Jesus rally during school hours.

If students are not bused in, then how will principals know whether your kid was worshiping or playing World of Warcraft? If you’re going to give the kids a day off, give them a day off. Don’t bother with the religious stuff. Take a lesson from principal Bob Sampson and give the kids a Sun Day, instead.

Lest you are concerned that I am spewing forth anti-Jesus hatred, let me assure you that I have no qualm with Jesus. Actually, I think he’s great. To quote Ghandi, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.”

I am, though, here to explain to the other citizens of this fine area that by constitutional law, no one is required to be associated with any one religion. A lot of you seem to forget that.

And allowing these particular students an excused absence, would mean allowing other absences for any other religious event. Is that what you want? Do you really want students to get an excused absence for attending my Friends of the Flying Spaghetti Monster rally?

I get the distinct felling that many of your would be up in arms if our students were allowed an excused absence to attend a “Women for Wicca” rally. During school hours.

The point is this: Either all religions should be excused or none of them.

Period.

Not all Monroe natives are Christians. And whether you think they all should be is irrelevant. Not only that, it’s unconstitutional.

Let me break it down for you another way.

Here’s a handy flow chart.

In case you’re still confused, here’s the bottom line:

If you are going to excuse school for a rally about Jesus, you must excuse school for other religious groups.

Principals: Students should be allowed to attend this rally if they provide a permission slip. However, it should not be an excused absence.

God bless!

Today an article was published in The Hawkeye (ULM’s newspaper – formerly the PowWow) entitled Why I Don’t Tip. It is unclear whether the author, Joseph Roberts, is on staff at ULM or merely a student, but this much is startlingly clear:  he is an asshat.

In his article, Mr. Roberts explains that he does not tip the local wait staff at places such as Coda or Kyoto, even if he receives excellent service.  He thinks that it should be up to the restaurants to pay its employees a livable wage.

I can’t begin to illustrate the many ways that this article is offensive to our local servers – I’ll let you read the comments to his article for that. However, I can express my outrage that ULM has allowed this piece to be published even though it contains blatant racial remarks.

In his article, Mr. Roberts writes about his time as a Big Star Grocery employee -  “Just imagine swaths of gleeful minorities all coming to shop on the same day, and you get to carry out truckloads of free groceries for them, and then find a way to stuff everything into their cars which are already full from every other store they looted at the beginning of the month.”

Clearly, Mr. Roberts does not like the fact that minorities are allowed to use food stamps and implies that they are “looting” stores when their welfare checks come out.

Wow.

Such a loaded statement for an article about tipping. It makes me wonder why Mr. Roberts would even be compelled to use that statement in his article in the first place.

Maybe he thinks that controversial articles get more publicity. If this is the case, he would be correct.

Maybe he really does think that food stamps and tipping are related. In this case, he is still correct – if no one tipped their servers, many of them would be forced to apply for food stamps.

However, I tend to believe in the principle of Occam’s razor. The simplest explanation for this phenomenon is that Joseph Roberts is a racist wanker.

And the ULM staff who allowed this article to be published? I’ll let you decide.

Dear Crack Whore Gas Station Attendant,

I love you the most.

You don’t try to engage me in conversation at 6am when all I want in the world is some caffeine.

You mumble the amount of purchase, avert your eyes and take my money – thus making the world exactly how it should be.

Though your thong may be visible and you may be so high that you think my purple handbag is giant cat that I am holding, I don’t judge.

And you don’t judge my early morning purchase of $3.87 of Unleaded and a Ding Dong.

You are so much better than:

1. Young white guys who think they’re black:

Put your hat on straight and pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.  Stop acting like you are from the hood. I saw your green 08 Corolla with the Bayou Desiard Country Club sticker parked out front. You are embarrassing yourself.

2. Middle aged black people who like to talk about the Lord.

I understand that you feel blessed and happy at 6am, but please respect the fact that I am only holding back a big “Fuck You” by the grace of the deepest reaches of my inbred Southern charm.  You tell me I look like an angel from heaven until you notice my tattoos and begin looking worried about my soul.  By all means, pray for me. Put me on the list. But please just give me my fucking coffee first.

3. Old mean and nasty white women.

Any unfortunate soul who has traveled down Louisville Avenue near the bridge and wanted a morning coffee and paper knows exactly who I am talking about.  You are a legend. You are mean and nasty and deserve to die.  Don’t look at me as if I just ate your only unborn baby when I am just trying to buy a fucking cup of coffee.  I didn’t do anything to you.  Fuck off.

4. Young white guys who think they’re funny.

You are the worst.  I avoid the Shell station at Well Road because of you. I can fully assure you that I am not impressed by your Cartman impersonation.  Don’t comment about my t-shirt, don’t tell me you like my tattoo and please, please don’t try to charm me with your witty banter.  I don’t care that you have a wheat penny. You are neither witty nor charming and I don’t like you.  Stop trying to talk to me and just give me my damn Swiss Cake Roll.

Muah!

Do you ever do something that you know is going to piss you off just so that you can get all riled up?

Sometimes I find myself listening to conservative talk radio, alone in the car, just to pull myself out of  a rut.  I get all psyched up and start yelling at the radio on the way home and the funny thing is, I always, always feel better when all is said and done.

I turn off the radio, take the key out of the car and walk up to my front porch with a smile and a determined look.

It’s a release.  A release that happens because I am an even tempered person 99% of the time.  I let comments at work slide because I know that stupidity is very difficult to fight.  I don’t point out my agnosticism when everyone around me is talking about how the Lord healed their child’s sniffle.

I nod and smile.

I try to keep the peace.

Sometimes this works…other times it backfires and I end up yelling in my boss’s face that her mother needs to get the hell out of the office because she is PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF!

This type of situation usually concludes with me being placed on some sort of prayer list.

Bless my heart.

So I have a theory.  Maybe if I stop trying to be so even tempered all the time and stop worrying about being perceived as a hedonistic bitch, I would be a little more mentally healthy. If I let go and let a comment slide out of my mouth now and again, I won’t have to torture myself into a rage by listening to Christian radio on the way home from work.

What can I say, it’s a sickness.  Some people cut themselves, I listen to Rush.

It’s easy to lose faith in humanity when everyone around you seems to be completely absurd and out of touch with reality.  I think it’s time to let the majority know that we are here. We’re here, some of us are queer, some of us are atheists, some of us are humanists, some of us drink and do unspeakable sexual acts, some of us curse, some of us don’t believe that just because we are human makes us evil, and yes, some of us even vote!  As the pagans say, it’s time to come out of the broom closet.

The ladies and gentlemen around here seem to have an ongoing  love affair with  the game “bash the liberals”.  Little do they know that these very liberal heathens are their neighbors, doctors, teachers, day care workers, chefs, and the people, in general, who keep things running smoothly.

I think it’s time to stop nodding and smiling.

Here’s my challenge to all of you this week.  Do something unexpected.  Hide your co-worker’s stapler. Let that snarky comment come flying out of your mouth and then smile and walk away.  Say something that you know will make someone uncomfortable.  Make a Hitler stick puppet out of the photo of Dr. Broussard on the back of the phone book and start a war reinactment. Do SOMETHING, ANYTHING so that you know that you are not getting caught up in the day to day PC bullshit and that you have not forgotten how to live and laugh and emote and be human.  Just once, be the straw that stirs the drink.

disclaimer: the writer of this blog is not a nazi

Is sacred ground still sacred when you dig it up and put it somewhere else?  Despite my lack of organized religion, or perhaps because of it, I believe in hallowed ground.  Places that make you feel more connected to the universe, yet set apart from others.

This is how I felt the first time I was brought to the piece of  land that would one day be my future home.  It was a place of mystery and seclusion that let me be who I was to the fullest extent of the laws of nature.  A place so unreal that I fully expected a pterodactyl to fly overhead at any moment.

There are places such as this for all of us who are seekers.  Even in the dismalness of Monroe, which a wise friend recently referred to as “the wankerishness of the local aura”, there are places that rise decidedly above the rest.

1. The Moon – A place so named because of it’s landscape and seclusion.  There is no formal entrance, nor is it listed in the phone book.  You just have to be brought there by someone else who wants to share it’s secrets with you.  It is a place to grow and a place to grow up.

2. The Garden at St. Alban’s – I was brought there to light the candle and tell my story.  And to listen.  To take a deep breath and to let go.

3. The Maze – The most “sinister” destination of the three, the maze is usually the first place a young seeker in Monroe is drawn to.  It’s nastiness draws us in and keeps us going back until we find other places that are less populated, more secluded, or we simply get to old and scared to climb up and under its walls.

This place, this town, this aura of local wankerishness is not as horrifying as it sometimes seems.  Where is your hallowed ground?

There is a very interesting thread going on over at the News Star forum entitiled The Dangerous Art of the Tattoo.  I thought I would take a moment today to share some of the more “enlightened” posts from the thread and let you guys respond.

I would not hire a young man or woman whose body looked like a road-map! If they don`t respect the body the lord blessed them with, I have no use for them! – rickpaul

And then there’s this:

Life ain’t fair! Thats just the way it is. When I interview employees, experience, education, qualifications are a starting place. Attitude and being able to work with others, communication and the ability to understand what their role in my organization count equally. I see visible tatoos, probably not going to hire them, same thing for excessive piercings. Just shows me this individual has trouble with authority and is most likely somewhat rebellious. There are other places where this might be acceptable or they can start their own business. – imagine13

And this one…

I would not want the illustrated man/woman setting in front of a customer trying to make a sale for me!

Tats, the ones that are visible, send messages to those that hire. You may have a PHD, but if you are covered in tats that show outside your clothing, you don’t work in for me or 99% of the mainline businesses in the world.

If all a woman wants to be in her life is a burger flipper, bar tender, or other minimum wage earner, then by all means, tat away! But if you want your daughters, girlfriends etc. to make the best life for themselves and their families, they should set an example. – Ellalab

That last one is particularly offensive to me. The idea that a tattooed woman can only be a minimum wage earner is just absurd!  Are you a tattooed professional?  Do you have trouble getting a job because of visible tattoos?  I would love to hear some sounding off here.   Ellalab is way off the mark in stating that 99% of mainline business do not hire people with visible tattoos.

What’s your opinion.  Is this discrimination or just good business sense?

Personally, I think these people are narrow-minded idiots.  I would much rather have a creative, talented and intelligent tattooed person work for me than someone less qualified who had no visible body art.

Feel free to leave your profession and number of tats in the comments area.

By the way, The photo above is of Dr. Dave, a medical doctor with private general medicine practice in New York City. Many of Dr. Dave’s tattoos have a medical theme. A caduceus, the symbol of medicine, sits on his right arm – although a woman replaces the traditional staff. The letters “MD” are tattoed on his back, while a skull with a red medical cross (the symbol of Dr. Dave’s motorcycle club of health professionals) decorates his left shoulder.

This doctor does have full sleeves.

Don’t forget to leave a comment with your opinion and just for giggles check out the post below about women and sex…the comments are hysterical.

Kisses!

I just wanted to remind everyone to make their way out to Tenore’s tonight for their annual KEDM fundraiser.  As a long time fan/stalker of Terry Gross (of Fresh Air fame), I would encourage you to keep NPR alive in this area.   KEDM is one of the last few great things about this town and I would hate to see it go under.

So, head on out to Tenore’s tonight from 6 to 8 for a variety of beers to taste, along with the most excellent BBQ of Chef Rhoda Brown (and his Smokin Fatties).

Admission is $10.00 at the door and Rhoda has special pricing for his BBQ.

See ya there!